It's been a wee while...

That's cos I've been sick, injured and, well Christmas happened. Oops! I put back on 3 kg, and felt deeply ashamed. I'm now down to 94.5kg, so I have nearly lost 5kg in total. I've taken to simply eating steamed veg, chicken and rice for most of my main meals, with a spot of mayo. It's very simple and kinda tasty. However I'm still having cheat days and allowing myself occasional chocolate. My gym regime has been upped a little by Sam too, and, for the first time, I was so exhausted I had to pause before we continued on our last session. That could also be because I have been suffering from the flu for a while. It's really weakened me. However, I'm back at it and going to keep on going.

I've also given myself a new goal. I'm going to train to run The Blacklight Run in Edinburgh in September. It's just a 5k, but it's something. Then, once I smash that, I will move on to a 10k, and so on. I'll just need to be careful of my old joints and make sure I'm all strapped up. My knees aren't keen on high impact sports. Training pics to follow. And belly shots.  I'm not capable of that just now as I've just realised I don't have much time til I need to go out! Anyway, thanks!    

No one tells you about periods...

On the path to weight loss, no one says 'Your period will be one even more hateful when trying to lose weight'. Fluid retention: confidence killer.  I was down at about 94/95 kg roughly. This has now shot back up to 97.5kg. Still less than last month's 99kg, but still. I'm carrying about 2.5kg more than I was before. It's painful and demoralising.  I nearly vomited from shame in the gym. I couldn't figure out how I could have put on so much weight in 2 days. especially when I'd been working fairly hard on myself and my dream was getting ever closer. Now it's gone back to being a dot on the horizon. If I'm only losing 2 kg per month,  it's going to take me a year to get to where I want to be, weight wise... but... well that's still something.

I might try water tablets next month, but there're a lot of gently discouraging reviews. I could tell you how I get on with it. What do you think? I don't know who I'm asking... anyway, it's either that or I reduce the salt in my diet. I really don't see how I can, though... Advice?

Apologies, nonexistent reader, for my absence...

This week... I've had a horrendous cold (some would call it a flu, but not I) and have spent a good portion of the week on my couch, feverish and alone *sigh*. Still... today I went to work and then to the gym.  I did my normal workout, but felt like I might pass out half way through, and also felt a wee bit on the nauseous side to say the least! Suffice it to say I am not fully recovered,  and should maybe have taken it easy. I had just been on my feet for 8 hours at work! Also, eating more than just a hotdog in the last 12 hours might have been a good plan! This was down to poor time management on my part owing to afore mentioned bug - I realised too late that I did not have bread to make sarnies with, or snacks *slap wrist* - I had felt too ill to crawl the 5 mins walk to my nearest shop and buy bread while pouring with sweat. Sam says sweat is fat crying... If that's the case, I think my fatty cells had just been watching 'Titanic'!

Anyway, I have been a bit naughty this week diet wise for two reasons - bug and friends 30th. Bug needed a wee touch of comfort food, so I had an epic amount of fruit (yay) crisps (boo) and one take away curry (for shame). I's 30th involved cake, non alco beer, a sugary drink or two, yet more crisps (boo!) Potato skins and cocktail sausages. I have no regrets. None. Well one... but that's not diet related, really.  I had a couple of glasses of wine when I don't really drink. Now I remember why! I was fine, just felt a bit sick and frightened. Anyway, I digress! Eating crap when celebrating is fun, so long as it is just at such and such ' birthday/leaving do/Ann Summers party/whatever! When you're ill, it's not something I'd recommend, but my body was screaming for curried lamb, and when I get cravings that bad, I tend to indulge them, as I clearly need something from it. In this case I suspect I'm a tiny bit anaemic, so needed the iron in the meat. I could have talked myself out of it (a la cake/banana convo previously mentioned) but I didn't want to. I was depressed and sooky. I am slowly adjusting myself to try and think of bad foods as non comfort foods, and that a baked tattie with egg mayo and salad is just as comforting. But sometimes, just sometimes, you are allowed to give in. Only sometimes, mind. Still... The scales and waistline will always tell you who is winning...

In order to check if I was, I had a cheeky weigh of myself (well you have to when you're not really seeing much weight loss) and I think I'm down to about 94kg... 5kg lost. 11 lbs. I was 7 lbs when I was born! I've lost a whole baby me! Insane! To all the Doctor Who fans reading this (ie none of you) I keep thinking of the Adipose creatures! This is bizarrely helpful lol! Anyway... I'm going to sign off as I have to be up again 6 hours, and I'm hungry.  See for yourselves about my weight loss... next week, I might post pics up from then, next to my first ones as a comparison! (Btw I think my gym trousers are getting loose on me... )

This week... The battle to slimdom continues!

Ok so, I'm still on the same programme of squats, crunches, kettle bell swings etc which I am enjoying, but looking forward to what Sam has in store for me next week... I can feel my body crying out for more of a challenge. I'm not as sore after the gym,  or as exhausted. I think that's the biggest change. There's nothing notably visible coming off of me, so I'm holding on to the fact that I'm finding my sets easier and cradling it gleefully! For me, I need to have things, little things, to constantly congratulate myself on in order to keep at it. If I don't notice a difference, I find it demoralising, so I have taught myself to look in other directions. Like, my tummy doesn't appear to me to be smaller, so I look at my abilities and if that doesn't work, I look at my mentality ('well done on not having that cake that suchandsuch offered, aren't you good??) And so on.

Diet wise,  I'm changing little things... more natural stuff, less chocolate... I'm not doing anything too drastic as it's unsustainable and I find calorie counting difficult owing to my obsessive nature. I'm also not denying myself stuff either, just being more conversational with myself. For instance, instead of just saying 'oh what the hell, one cake won't hurt' I have a chat with myself about whether or not a banana would suffice, and I try and convince myself that the banana would. If I really can't,  and I really want the cake then hey ho! But 9 times out of ten I am able to talk myself out of it now. I'm proud of myself for that! :) I'm going to sign off now to go unwind... it's been a looooong day!

Ok so I went to the gym at 2 am...

And can I just say, best. idea. ever. The place was empty and I could do my routine without feeling self - conscious,  while singing Deacon Blue loudly to myself. Brilliant, just brilliant.  I swung the kettle bells around, jogged up and down my step and smiled the whole time. I think this might just be a new thing for me late night gyming. The only thing is is that the man in green scared me! (I'll post a pic up next time I go)...

Ok so... The before pics....

I have taken pics of the bits I hate the most - my double chin and my big ol' tyre shaped belly. Week one of the personal training is done and I'm feeling rather pleased with myself. The wobbly bits where my abs should be are aching nicely after stomach crunches and kettle belling... my legs are burning a little from the cycling and the jogging, and my back is feeling a little disgruntled at having to do stuff. All in all a happy bunny.

Sam has a wonderful way of instructing. He gently coaxes, corrects and praises. Because this is only the first session, we've yet to have a proper boot camp moment, but I get the feeling if I needed it, he'd know. I get the feeling we will work well together.

I don't have that much to say today as I'm shattered. There will be more soon... and more face and tummy pics. I might also do a few circumference measurements etc at some point.

E

99kg
Dress size 18 - 20

A new you?? A new me?? I don't know... but a new someone is waiting and I look forward to meeting them.

So. This is the primary post on my quest to lose about 4 stone. In the following weeks, I shall be posting my various happy moments, the pounds lost, the first stone, the hell that my friend Sam is about to put me through, my strength  and the various gains and losses I will have. So much of my confidence is locked up in my body image, and for the last few years, I have been horrendously abusive to myself. It's time to take charge. To fight the demons. To love myself, because (to quote a favourite lady of mine) 'If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love some body else?'

I am the sort that feeds off of words of encouragement, so, if you stumble across my tiny blog, please feel free to post words of love, and reassurance. I might share recipes and exercises I like. I'll definitely be posting pictures my body and the just so I can see the various changes it's going through. I will be comparing them and so on, which might be rough for me, so forgive me if I get a little emotional at times. I have so much anger about what I see in pictures, and the mirror. I hate it. I want to stop tearing myself apart as it has proved tof be incredibly damaging to my relationships. Anyway... I am signing off for now, but I'll be back so et me after my first PT session with Sam.